Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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