phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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