We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
