My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
