Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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