he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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