thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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