ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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