the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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