Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize