I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
