who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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