Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
