I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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