I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize