They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
