Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
