Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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