just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
