the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
