On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
