Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
