my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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