I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize