oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
