A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize