the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
