Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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