so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
