Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
