omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
