Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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