Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
FUCK WHALES
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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