If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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