I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
