I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
