i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
