too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
