I didn't shave. On purpose
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
