Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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