I just pynch a tree in the face
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
