Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
