Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
