u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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