i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
