we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
