Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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