He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
