just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
