I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
