Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
