fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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