That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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