it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize