I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
