i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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