my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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