MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
